A passing comment. A half-raised eyebrow. A message left on read.

And suddenly, you're back in the storm.

"The can of worms will open again," my coachee said. His voice tightened. "And he kind of went back to... okay, I don’t trust you."

This wasn’t a betrayal. It was just a conversation. On the surface, nothing major. But something in it touched an old nerve. A dynamic that had been there all along. A crack that never fully healed.

This is how conflict often shows up. Not as an explosion, but as a reactivation. What seems sudden is usually the return of something unresolved. It’s not about what was just said. It’s about what’s never been said.

A few minutes later, still turning it over, he added,
"Even though there were situations of conflict. Of violence."
Then came the insight:
"I think it’s the same. The conflict avoidance theme is still there."

The elephant in the room

We all carry patterns. Family patterns. Team patterns. Personal ones. They show up again and again, especially in moments of stress or uncertainty.

The elephant isn’t always the loudest person in the room. Sometimes it’s the silence after. The subject that keeps getting changed. The tension everyone feels but no one names.

In family businesses and leadership teams, I see this all the time. An email misread becomes a breach of trust. A skipped invitation to a meeting reignites years of feeling excluded. A shift in ownership structure reactivates childhood roles: who got the attention, who got the power, who got left out.

It’s not the event itself. It’s what the event represents. The unsaid. The unresolved.

Why conflict is inevitable

We like to think that conflict means something’s broken. But conflict is natural. It’s how humans rub up against each other when needs, values, or priorities don’t align.

Conflict doesn’t mean a system is failing. It means people care. It means something matters. The danger isn’t in the argument. It’s in the pretending—pretending things are fine when they aren’t, avoiding discomfort, managing appearances instead of emotions.

Avoided conflict doesn’t disappear. It waits. And when it comes back, it often looks bigger than it really is, because it's carrying history.

What looks like nothing is usually something

When someone reacts more strongly than a situation seems to warrant, chances are you’ve touched something older. Something deeper. These “conflicts out of nothing” are usually signals that something hasn’t been digested, named, or made safe enough to deal with.

This is true in families. It’s true in leadership. It’s true in life.

What helps

Start by noticing your own pattern. Do you lean in or pull away. Do you shut down or take control. Do you talk too much or go quiet. Do you make it about something else.

And when conflict shows up in others, ask yourself:

• What might this really be about?
• What’s not being said?
• What keeps getting repeated?
• Where is the fear hiding?

Conflict doesn’t need to be feared. It needs to be understood. And when it’s met with curiosity instead of avoidance, it can actually bring clarity, connection, even healing.

But only if we're willing to name the thing no one wants to name.